Friday, March 27, 2009

Sweet Harmony

One thing that I've heard as a con for getting married young (as I, at 22 years and 17 days old will be doing in less than 3 months) is that, as a young person, you don't really know yourself. I remember hearing that and internally justifying that I definitely knew who I was. My rationale was noble. I knew, and still know, that my identity is found in Christ, and that would never change. However, I'm afraid that the premise wasn't entirely true. As even now I am finding myself to still be coming into myself as it were.
I am, without question, a rational person. In fact, I analyze every small decision I'm presented with. Anyone who has ever gone shopping with me can tell you that, I will stare at/try on/walk around with the same piece of clothing for a long time. Because to even buy a simple shirt I go through a Rolodex of questions such as
"Do I need this?" "Could I find this somewhere else cheaper?"
"What would I wear this with?"
"Where would I wear this?"
I'm like a permanent road block against impulse buys. With that being said, I was pretty sure I basically had my life planned out. In fact, one time I think I actually made a timeline of my life from now until my own prediction of my death. That sounds so ridiculous even now, but, in my defense, I did write at the top "to hear God laugh, tell him your plans".

Can't you just hear him now. I'm pretty sure God has a straight up guffaw. Like a belly laugh that makes others around him chuckle to themselves. He might even cry a little.

There are so many questions I have about what this life will hold...
Will I go to Grad school? Where? When?
Will I start a new career in speech pathology? Or something I've yet to discover?
Will I teach? What grade? What school? Will I be good at it?
Will I have kids? How many? How far apart? What genders? What names?
Will I adopt? When?
Will I stay at home with my children? Will I work part time? What is best?
Will we buy a house? How long will we live in an apartment? Will we build? Where?
Will Jas have the same job? Is that what he wants?
Will my parents/in laws die? Will my siblings get married? Will I have nieces and nephews?
Will we be stable financially? Will it be something I can ever let go?
Will we always go to New Hope? Will Jason always be youth pastor?
Will I ever really come into myself? Will I live a long life?
Will I not sacrifice my life to the American dream?
Will I face tragedy? Will I receive abundant favor?
Will I see the end of time? Will I be confident that I have fulfilled the great commission?
Will I make a difference for the KINGDOM? Will I do what is important? Will I regret decisions?
Will I fulfill God's will for me?

I don't know what the heck I'll end up doing or where my life will lead. I know one thing I don't want to do is to waste my life. I know that life is short, and I don't want to wish it away or spend time doing things that aren't important. My ultimate prayer is that Jesus will guide every single step in my life. I think Bethany Dillion says it best when she said...

Oh Jesus, wherever you lead.
I'll sing harmony.
Yes Lord, I live to bring you praise.
I know that you will guide each step and that you have plans for my life.Show me how to love and live for you best. I lay these questions before you and I trust you alone. Make every choice clear and of you.
Where you lead me, I will follow.